Nightmare mode

[ellarodger]

My experience in life has always been the same, trauma, rejection after rejection, it's like when I was born all the stars aligned to make my life as miserable as possible. I don't remember much about my childhood but I do remember being bullied and excluded for being different and I remember being molested at a really young age. I remember being rejected many times in my teen years, at that time I was extremely bluepilled and really thought there was a girl out there for me, jfl.

In my 20s was when I realized it was truly over for me, I gave up on life mostly, laying down and rotting. To this day I'm a useless NEET with no friends and I'm 25, I've accomplished nothing and have nothing to live for, I live in my parents house and they basically just leave me alone because they know I'm a failure and they probably feel guilty about spawning me.

I have no hope left for a "normal" life neither would I want a normie life at this point, knowing what I know about soyciety, I rather rot in my bedroom than go out there and engage with those fake people, it's all so fake, normies say one thing when they mean another, if you don't notice the subtle social cues you're basically excluded from being in on the social games that normies are constantly playing, games of power like subtle bullying or mogging can't be played by spergs, you can try as a sperg but you're going to fail.

My life at this point is literally laying down and rotting, I have no copes left, I've done it all: porn, weed, alcohol, vidya, you name it, nothing gives me pleasure anymore, anhedonia is what it is I can't experience any pleasure, I don't have any motivation either. All day long I feel extremely anxious, I don't know why I'm anxious, I've been taking SSRI and benzo jew pills for a month now and they don't cure my anxiety, I smoke weed and it doesn't cure my anxiety, I drink alcohol and it doesn't cure my anxiety...

I've tried the self improovement meme before, going to the gym, trying to talk to people, I quickly realized that it's simply not possible to do so, as a mentally ill incel I struggle to even have the smallest social interaction, I'm not taken seriously by anyone, I'm pretty much treated as a child despite being an adult, especially by foids my own age or slightly older, they use this condescending tone if you're incel you know what I'm talking about. People can tell there's something off about me, that I'm not living in the same reality as them.

I feel completely hopeless and drained of life and that makes it even more difficult to try to talk to anyone, my mind is completely dead and i think my body is following, I don't even have an appetite anymore I don't eat much, my sleep schedule is so weird that I don't know whether I'll wake up in the morning or at night.

All of this because I was born with bad genes, traumatized as a kid and repeatedly excluded from society, I don't even want to try anymore, why do humans have to be like this? I really wish I was born in a time before modern medicine because I wouldn't have survived and wouldn't have to endure such suffering for this many years, when I was a teen I used to say I didn't want to live until 20 and now here I am at 25 still alive, my question is why? I guess it's pure survival instinct keeping me on this shitty world.

I daydream many times about how my life would've been if I was born as a female, it would have been completely different, I wouldn't have been ignored and excluded even if I wasn't the prettiest girl, females are just accepted as they are. I was unlucky enough to have been born male though so I'm a ghost and nobody cares about me, not even my family seems to care much they just ignore me for the most part.

Sometimes I go for long walks at night, I try to avoid streets where there will be people because I hate seeing people, but on the rare occasion I do end up seeing people it usually fucks with me, why do normies seem so happy? I pass by restaurants and through the window I see the normies eating and smiling, having the time of their lives usually young guys and who I assume are their girlfriends, are they faking that or is it genuine? I don't think I've ever felt true joy or happiness. I see foids and I envy them, I envy how attractive they are, how easy their lives are, I look at myself in the mirror and I see a deformed subhuman freak, on the other hand even the average girls I see outside are so attractive.

Nightmare mode for me is living as a male, this of course excludes the chads but honestly even a chad has a worse life than the average girl, it's like comparing apples to oranges. Females don't live in easy mode or tutorial mode they're not even playing the game, they are the prize for the males, they don't have to play. I would like to troon out but it's not realistic, I can't afford surgeries as a NEET and I have a masculine face, I'd never be able to pass as a female, the only other option I see is the rope but I'm too much of a coward to do that so I guess I'll just wait until I die.